The thought that Anita might be carrying some heavy luggage which was the reason she was still inside the fortified airport building lifted up my spirits. My hopes soared and my eyes, with renewed hope in their eyes, kept staring at the exit gate, For some time, there was a complete lull. Not a single passenger came out. The security guard at the gate looked very relaxed , it was as if his job for the day was over. My heart sank. What if the passengers who had come out were the only ones on the plane? What if all the passengers had come with very light baggage? What if the plane was carrying that many passengers and no more? After all, who would like to visit Srinagar or how many people would like to come to Srinagar when they knew what the situation was? This meant, Anita was not on the plane. She had not come. She had made a false promise to me, she had deceived me.All these thoughts kept flitting through my mind, as i waited for someone to emerge from the door. No one did.
" Bittu Ji, time to go now, it seems she has not come, may be she missed the flight", Abdul Sahab's voice had suddenly become very soft. Gone was the harshness of the early morning.And the reason was obvious. He knew I must be all devastated inside and he was trying to make me feel that hope was still around the corner.
" Let us wait for some more time, she may still be waiting for her luggage", I said, more with a desperate hope than anything else.
" Well, let me find out", he said and strode confidently toward the airport exit door, The way he walked must have given everyone the impression that he was some VIP or an important member of the secret service. My eyes followed him, closely and intently. He walked up to the armed guard and started saying something. . He appeared to be talking very animatedly. Soon, the guard and he were shaking hands. What was it about Abdul Sahab today, he seemed to be disarming all army men with his smile and words? Was he telling them false stories about himself? His stories, coupled with the very expensive looking suit he was wearing, must have done the trick. The guard took him by the hand and they went in through the gate. That was a surprise? How on earth could the guard do that? He was breaking all security rules. As they went inside, my heart beat started becoming faster and faster. The moment of truth had arrived. In a few moments from now, I would know if Anita had come. My wait lasted just a couple of minutes but these few minutes looked like eternity to me.
I could not not take my eyes off the gate, not even for a second and understandably so. .
It was as if my whole life depended on what would happen next, perhaps it did. The security guard appeared first, followed by Abdul Sahab. Was anyone else behind them? Would I see Anita coming out and smiling her pretty smile? I recalled her words, the words she had said to me over the phone. She had unequivocally said that her ticket had been booked. She had sounded sure of herself and confident that nothing would stop her from boarding the plane and this was the only flight from Chandigarh. She had to be there, There was no way, she would let me down. But no one came out. Abdul Sahab again shook hands with the army man, this time more vigorously. There were broad smiles on both their faces but my heart had become icy. It was now absolutely evident, my Anita had not come.
Abdul Sahab walked towards me , with big strides, the remnants of a smile were still lingering on his face. Here was I, all sad and depressed but he gave the impression of everything having gone the way we had wanted it to.
" Come on, Bittu, let us go", he held me by the arm and literally pulled me towards the cab. Before I could utter a single word, he had opened the rear door of the car and pushed me inside. He banged the door shut, walked turned towards the front door, opened it and sank back comfortably on the seat.
" Turn back, we are going home", He told the driver. Not a word to me so far. I also did not have the courage or the will to say anything. What was it that I could have said? What was it that he could have told me? Reality was there for both of us to see and feel. Anita had not come and that was that.
" Well, Bittu Ji, your Anita Ji must have changed her mind, she most certainly was not on the flight. I had a look at the entire passenger list, no one by that name". How, in the name of God had he managed to that? But hadn't he showed that he was a man of many resources?
" Don't look so crestfallen. You look as if the whole world has come to an end. Come on Bittu Ji, you cannot let one girl affect your life so much that you forget everyone else," He spoke powerfully, each and every word of his hit me like a bullet in the heart. I hardly looked out of the window, hardly noticed our leaving the high security zone area of the airport.
" Although I feel bad for you, I am happy she did not come. Imagine what kind of a strain her presence would have been to your Babuji and Amma. A girl running away from her home just on the day of her marriage, coming all the way to Srinagar, do you think her father would have kept quiet? He would have raised a storm and that storm would have affected this already stormy place." He did not look at me, his eyes were on the road ahead.
" Do you know, Bittu Ji, how tense Babu Ji and Amma have been since the day you told them about Anita's coming? I know, I know, they did not appear to be so, they looked almost happy that their beloved Bittu Ji was getting married. Do you think they would have expressed how they felt? Do you seriously believe they would have let their darling Bittu know how hurt they had felt by his impulsive decision? Never. They love you too much for that. For heaven's sake, don't take advantage of their love. They have brought you up like a prince, don't behave like their king". The last words had anger and resentment written all over them.
I remained quiet. I did not say anything. What could I have said, anyway. I was hardly paying any attention to his words. My mind was occupied with more important things. Why had Anita not come? had she been lying to me all along, was she married by now. Anita, how could you do this to me? I don't know how we reached home. I had been completely engrossed in myself. We had been stopped on the a way a couple of times, our car had been thoroughly searched at one place but my mind had become so numb that all these things mattered little to me. Abdul sahab had also been talking non stop, but he might well have been talking to himself. I couldn't hear or understand a single word of what he had been saying..
The car came to a halt. I looked out and saw that we had reached home. The journey to the airport had been a long one but the journey back home had hardly taken much time or so it seemed to me. I got out of the car , didn't even look at anyone and rushed inside. I was in no mood to talk with anyone, I knew there would a barrage of questions, lots of explanations asked for, lots of speculations made and I was simply not in the mood to be a part of it all. I desired solitude so I went up straight into my room, bolted the door behind me but did not fling myself onto the bed as I had done the previous night. I went to the chair by the window, sat down and looked out at the road below. I had a very nice view from my room. The road below, the houses on both sides, I could also see the mountains in the distance. I loved to look at them. As it was a clear sky, i could have a real beautiful view of these snow clad mountain tops. The beauty outside held no interest for me that day. I just stared at the far off mountains with a vacuous look in my eyes. My mind was totally disoriented. I did not know what to think. I had lots of questions but no answers. Anita had promised me she would come that day and had clearly mentioned the date and the flight. She had sounded very confident over the phone. Nothing that she had said had given me the slightest hint that something would go wrong but something had obviously gone wrong. What could have gone wrong, I just did not have a clue and how could I, sitting hundreds of miles away from where she was. The most painful aspect of it all was that I had no way of contacting her. I had her phone number but I could not call. Any member of her family could have picked up the phone and asked me to go to hell. There were no cell phones at that time, so no way of contacting her directly. She was supposed to get married that very day. Was it possible that her parents had come to know of her plans and stopped her? If so, everything was lost for me. I thought,and thought and thought but to what avail? I don't know how long i had been sitting there when there was a knock at the door. I paid no attention. I could hear Khalid shouting out my name and asking me to open the door. The knocking became louder and louder but i remained rooted to my chair, lost in a world of hopeless grief or was it really grief? Was I not being selfish? Just because Anita hadn't come didn't mean I should cause unnecessary pain to Babu Ji and Amma, people who had bowed down in front of my every wish, people who been ready and willing to take on the whole society for my sake. This was callous and thoughtless on my part. I looked at my watch, it was o'clock, long past lunch time. I decided enough was enough, no more cruelty toward the people who loved me the most. No self pity, no self obsession. I got up, opened the door, almost toppled over into Khalid's arms who managed to maintain his balance with great difficulty otherwise both of us would have tumbled onto the floor.
I did not say anything, just just brushed aside Khalid and went downstairs. I entered the living room. Babu Ji was occupying his usual place and Amma was sitting by his side., worried looks on both their faces.
" Bitto Ji, you have not eaten anything since the morning, you must be famished by now, my son. Sit down and have lunch. You know, I have cooked your favourite Rogan Josh, with lots of red chillies and Haakh.(collard greens, a very common vegetable for Kashmiris as common as dal was to outsiders) Khalid, bring him food."
" I am not hungry, Amma, I will eat later", I said.
" What do you mean you are not hungry? We are all hungry. Both your Babuji and I have not had lunch, how could we, without you"
Why are you telling him all this? He is least bothered about us, all he can think of is that Punjabi girl, what's her name, oh yes, Anita, he is not going to eat unless that queen of his comes here." Babu Ji said all this in a very flat tone. Thee was no anger that I could detect, a little bit of disappointment perhaps but nothing else.
" Don't talk to him like that, just look at his face, my poor boy looks totally exhausted, he has had to go through a lot" Amma said, her voice loaded with affection.
" Yes, your laatt sahab has gone through a lot and we have been singing and dancing all along. If that girl didn't come, is it our fault? Doesn't he realise we tried to help him in every possible way? And yet he behaves as if we are the culprits, punish us, that is what he wants," now Babuji had begun to get emotional which he rarely did.
" Amm, I will eat, we will all eat. I am sorry, Babuji, I shouldn't have behaved in such a manner"
" It is alright. We are used to your tantrums but you are no longer a kid, you are a grown up man now, start behaving like one"
" Yes, Babuji, i certainly will"
Lunch was laid. We all ate without much of a conversation. I have no recollection of what the food was like but I remember having gorged myself to the full because I did not want to hurt Amma any more.
"Now go and take some rest. Don't worry about anything. All is well and well it shall remain." It was Babuji talking in his most affectinate tone. I almos burst into tears but controlled myself. I had already caused them a lot of pain, no more, i said to myself.
I went to my room and lay down. I was really feeling sleepy. I had not slept the whole night. Although, Anita was very much on my mind, i fell asleep in no time. I woke up and saw that darkness had already fallen. I looked at my watch, it was6.30. My god, I had slept a long time. I was still trying to find my moorings when the door opened and Khalid rushed in, completely breathless.
" Bittu Ji, Bittu Ji", he gasped.
"Relax, Khalid, what happened?"
" The army is at the door, the officer wants to see you. I am scared, Bittu Ji, why are they asking for you, you have not done anything wrong"
The Army, asking for me but why. What had I one to annoy them? I was completely confused and in this confused state of mind, i started walking downstairs very very slowly.
" Bittu Ji, time to go now, it seems she has not come, may be she missed the flight", Abdul Sahab's voice had suddenly become very soft. Gone was the harshness of the early morning.And the reason was obvious. He knew I must be all devastated inside and he was trying to make me feel that hope was still around the corner.
" Let us wait for some more time, she may still be waiting for her luggage", I said, more with a desperate hope than anything else.
" Well, let me find out", he said and strode confidently toward the airport exit door, The way he walked must have given everyone the impression that he was some VIP or an important member of the secret service. My eyes followed him, closely and intently. He walked up to the armed guard and started saying something. . He appeared to be talking very animatedly. Soon, the guard and he were shaking hands. What was it about Abdul Sahab today, he seemed to be disarming all army men with his smile and words? Was he telling them false stories about himself? His stories, coupled with the very expensive looking suit he was wearing, must have done the trick. The guard took him by the hand and they went in through the gate. That was a surprise? How on earth could the guard do that? He was breaking all security rules. As they went inside, my heart beat started becoming faster and faster. The moment of truth had arrived. In a few moments from now, I would know if Anita had come. My wait lasted just a couple of minutes but these few minutes looked like eternity to me.
I could not not take my eyes off the gate, not even for a second and understandably so. .
It was as if my whole life depended on what would happen next, perhaps it did. The security guard appeared first, followed by Abdul Sahab. Was anyone else behind them? Would I see Anita coming out and smiling her pretty smile? I recalled her words, the words she had said to me over the phone. She had unequivocally said that her ticket had been booked. She had sounded sure of herself and confident that nothing would stop her from boarding the plane and this was the only flight from Chandigarh. She had to be there, There was no way, she would let me down. But no one came out. Abdul Sahab again shook hands with the army man, this time more vigorously. There were broad smiles on both their faces but my heart had become icy. It was now absolutely evident, my Anita had not come.
Abdul Sahab walked towards me , with big strides, the remnants of a smile were still lingering on his face. Here was I, all sad and depressed but he gave the impression of everything having gone the way we had wanted it to.
" Come on, Bittu, let us go", he held me by the arm and literally pulled me towards the cab. Before I could utter a single word, he had opened the rear door of the car and pushed me inside. He banged the door shut, walked turned towards the front door, opened it and sank back comfortably on the seat.
" Turn back, we are going home", He told the driver. Not a word to me so far. I also did not have the courage or the will to say anything. What was it that I could have said? What was it that he could have told me? Reality was there for both of us to see and feel. Anita had not come and that was that.
" Well, Bittu Ji, your Anita Ji must have changed her mind, she most certainly was not on the flight. I had a look at the entire passenger list, no one by that name". How, in the name of God had he managed to that? But hadn't he showed that he was a man of many resources?
" Don't look so crestfallen. You look as if the whole world has come to an end. Come on Bittu Ji, you cannot let one girl affect your life so much that you forget everyone else," He spoke powerfully, each and every word of his hit me like a bullet in the heart. I hardly looked out of the window, hardly noticed our leaving the high security zone area of the airport.
" Although I feel bad for you, I am happy she did not come. Imagine what kind of a strain her presence would have been to your Babuji and Amma. A girl running away from her home just on the day of her marriage, coming all the way to Srinagar, do you think her father would have kept quiet? He would have raised a storm and that storm would have affected this already stormy place." He did not look at me, his eyes were on the road ahead.
" Do you know, Bittu Ji, how tense Babu Ji and Amma have been since the day you told them about Anita's coming? I know, I know, they did not appear to be so, they looked almost happy that their beloved Bittu Ji was getting married. Do you think they would have expressed how they felt? Do you seriously believe they would have let their darling Bittu know how hurt they had felt by his impulsive decision? Never. They love you too much for that. For heaven's sake, don't take advantage of their love. They have brought you up like a prince, don't behave like their king". The last words had anger and resentment written all over them.
I remained quiet. I did not say anything. What could I have said, anyway. I was hardly paying any attention to his words. My mind was occupied with more important things. Why had Anita not come? had she been lying to me all along, was she married by now. Anita, how could you do this to me? I don't know how we reached home. I had been completely engrossed in myself. We had been stopped on the a way a couple of times, our car had been thoroughly searched at one place but my mind had become so numb that all these things mattered little to me. Abdul sahab had also been talking non stop, but he might well have been talking to himself. I couldn't hear or understand a single word of what he had been saying..
The car came to a halt. I looked out and saw that we had reached home. The journey to the airport had been a long one but the journey back home had hardly taken much time or so it seemed to me. I got out of the car , didn't even look at anyone and rushed inside. I was in no mood to talk with anyone, I knew there would a barrage of questions, lots of explanations asked for, lots of speculations made and I was simply not in the mood to be a part of it all. I desired solitude so I went up straight into my room, bolted the door behind me but did not fling myself onto the bed as I had done the previous night. I went to the chair by the window, sat down and looked out at the road below. I had a very nice view from my room. The road below, the houses on both sides, I could also see the mountains in the distance. I loved to look at them. As it was a clear sky, i could have a real beautiful view of these snow clad mountain tops. The beauty outside held no interest for me that day. I just stared at the far off mountains with a vacuous look in my eyes. My mind was totally disoriented. I did not know what to think. I had lots of questions but no answers. Anita had promised me she would come that day and had clearly mentioned the date and the flight. She had sounded very confident over the phone. Nothing that she had said had given me the slightest hint that something would go wrong but something had obviously gone wrong. What could have gone wrong, I just did not have a clue and how could I, sitting hundreds of miles away from where she was. The most painful aspect of it all was that I had no way of contacting her. I had her phone number but I could not call. Any member of her family could have picked up the phone and asked me to go to hell. There were no cell phones at that time, so no way of contacting her directly. She was supposed to get married that very day. Was it possible that her parents had come to know of her plans and stopped her? If so, everything was lost for me. I thought,and thought and thought but to what avail? I don't know how long i had been sitting there when there was a knock at the door. I paid no attention. I could hear Khalid shouting out my name and asking me to open the door. The knocking became louder and louder but i remained rooted to my chair, lost in a world of hopeless grief or was it really grief? Was I not being selfish? Just because Anita hadn't come didn't mean I should cause unnecessary pain to Babu Ji and Amma, people who had bowed down in front of my every wish, people who been ready and willing to take on the whole society for my sake. This was callous and thoughtless on my part. I looked at my watch, it was o'clock, long past lunch time. I decided enough was enough, no more cruelty toward the people who loved me the most. No self pity, no self obsession. I got up, opened the door, almost toppled over into Khalid's arms who managed to maintain his balance with great difficulty otherwise both of us would have tumbled onto the floor.
I did not say anything, just just brushed aside Khalid and went downstairs. I entered the living room. Babu Ji was occupying his usual place and Amma was sitting by his side., worried looks on both their faces.
" Bitto Ji, you have not eaten anything since the morning, you must be famished by now, my son. Sit down and have lunch. You know, I have cooked your favourite Rogan Josh, with lots of red chillies and Haakh.(collard greens, a very common vegetable for Kashmiris as common as dal was to outsiders) Khalid, bring him food."
" I am not hungry, Amma, I will eat later", I said.
" What do you mean you are not hungry? We are all hungry. Both your Babuji and I have not had lunch, how could we, without you"
Why are you telling him all this? He is least bothered about us, all he can think of is that Punjabi girl, what's her name, oh yes, Anita, he is not going to eat unless that queen of his comes here." Babu Ji said all this in a very flat tone. Thee was no anger that I could detect, a little bit of disappointment perhaps but nothing else.
" Don't talk to him like that, just look at his face, my poor boy looks totally exhausted, he has had to go through a lot" Amma said, her voice loaded with affection.
" Yes, your laatt sahab has gone through a lot and we have been singing and dancing all along. If that girl didn't come, is it our fault? Doesn't he realise we tried to help him in every possible way? And yet he behaves as if we are the culprits, punish us, that is what he wants," now Babuji had begun to get emotional which he rarely did.
" Amm, I will eat, we will all eat. I am sorry, Babuji, I shouldn't have behaved in such a manner"
" It is alright. We are used to your tantrums but you are no longer a kid, you are a grown up man now, start behaving like one"
" Yes, Babuji, i certainly will"
Lunch was laid. We all ate without much of a conversation. I have no recollection of what the food was like but I remember having gorged myself to the full because I did not want to hurt Amma any more.
"Now go and take some rest. Don't worry about anything. All is well and well it shall remain." It was Babuji talking in his most affectinate tone. I almos burst into tears but controlled myself. I had already caused them a lot of pain, no more, i said to myself.
I went to my room and lay down. I was really feeling sleepy. I had not slept the whole night. Although, Anita was very much on my mind, i fell asleep in no time. I woke up and saw that darkness had already fallen. I looked at my watch, it was6.30. My god, I had slept a long time. I was still trying to find my moorings when the door opened and Khalid rushed in, completely breathless.
" Bittu Ji, Bittu Ji", he gasped.
"Relax, Khalid, what happened?"
" The army is at the door, the officer wants to see you. I am scared, Bittu Ji, why are they asking for you, you have not done anything wrong"
The Army, asking for me but why. What had I one to annoy them? I was completely confused and in this confused state of mind, i started walking downstairs very very slowly.
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